Earlier in the summer, I found myself in a weird, dark, ugly place.
It took me a while to realize it.
I had everything I could have ever wanted; a new house, a reliable car, a healthy family...money in the bank, clothes on my back, food on the table.
But there I was, a crying mess pretty much every day.
I blamed it on my birth control.
I blamed it on my husband.
I blamed it on my lack of 'me' time.
I blamed it on my lack of sleep.
Sometimes I blamed it on my friends.
Of course I blamed it on the heat, and even the fact that I was 1000 miles away from my family.
Luckily, when I was at my absolute lowest point, I was in Alabama at my Nanny's house. I was going on and on about everything and nothing. How nothing was making me happy. What was wrong with me? I'm only 25, why do I feel like I'm going through a mid life crisis. And then she said something that made me stop in my tracks. 'How can you be happy with anything when you're not happy with yourself?'
That's pretty much all it took. She's 100% supportive of everything I do, but sometimes all it takes is a little tough love to steer me in the right direction. She's not afraid to say something that needs to be said, and I'm glad she did. Over the next couple of weeks, I did a lot of thinking. I did a lot of praying and soul searching.
Nanny came back with me to Oklahoma, so I had plenty of 'me' time to figure out why I wasn't happy, what makes me happy, and how to feel like myself again.
Is life perfect right now? No, but it's pretty darn close.
I'm learning every day that it's not up to anyone else to make me happy, it's up to me to find happiness. So I drink coffee every morning and sometimes at night. I 'play pretend' with my daughter and color outside of the lines. I sing loud and out of key.
But now, for at least today, I'm happy.