Friday, July 31, 2009

No guts, No glory.

Warning::This may get a little too personal.......just stop now if you don't care.

As far back as I can remember there are very few memories that include my father. My parents divorced when I was two, my mother passed away when I was four, and after that, my dad never really felt the need to come around. Sure, he'd come for birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, pretty much anytime that involved him being invited for a feast, but other than that, the times that my sister and I saw him were few and far between. As a kid, this really bothered me. I would get really upset when he was supposed to come get us, or stop by, but he wouldn't show up. But, over the years, my heart hardened towards him.

So why am I bringing this up now?

Because for once I wanted to see the good in him. For once I wanted for him to prove me wrong. But he didn't. He couldn't. It's like he's incapable of being a normal decent father, even in his old age.

I was seriously considering asking him to walk me down the aisle at the wedding. I mean, isn't that the normal thing to do? But when I heard how he reacted to the good news, I cut him out completely.

Nanny said she saw him and told him I was getting married. His reply was 'So what?' Really, Is that how a father is supposed to react? I think not. Nanny apparently kept talking to him [I don't know why] and asked him if he wanted to help out a little bit [money wise], and he didn't just say no, but 'Hell no.' So, if anyone ever wonders why I can't stand my father, why I have 'Daddy Issues', or why the thought of father's day makes me want to puke, this is why. Because he never helped out, he never cared, and I just wish for ONCE in my life that he would put the bottle down and realize that he has wasted every single opportunity he's ever had to be a good person. Why can't he just be proud of us?

I actually had a dream a few nights ago, and I remember it vividly. I saw my dad at my brother's house, and he was drunk, as usual, and he said 'Hey baby, I miss ya' like he usually does when I see him, once in a blue moon. And then I let him have it. I told him every single time he ever upset me, every single thing I ever wanted to say to him, but never did, because SOMEHOW I still had a little bit of respect for him. And I brought him to pure tears, and it made me happy. For once. But it was all just a dream. And you have no idea how bad I wish I had the courage to do that.


Jeanette said...

My dad's sucky too, not as bad as yours though. You're better off without him. You've clearly made it on your own thus far!

Bluebelle said...

Aww, I'm sorry he's not what you deserve. Hope you find someone wonderful and perfect to walk you down the aisle instead.


It hurts to read this but not b/c of what you think, but b/c I know I was one of the very fortunate ones to have the exact opposite in a father and it breaks my heart to hear of someone who didn't get the joy of their father in their child hood. I'd love to say it's just his loss but clearly you are in pain. I'm sorry. The thing is, you are a wonderful young lady and adult and I am so proud of what you have accomplished in your life - with or without support of those that you would like. I pray one day he will realize it and it won't be too late. You have such a great family support with three women and two men that come to mind immediately: Nanny, DeDe, Casse, Jason and Ernie. They love you. We all do. And anytime you want to pick a man to go off on (not necessarily for the drinking) but you just give Eric a good call! Every now and then I'd love for someone else to give him the what for!!!! ;-) And I know there is someone willing and wanting to walk you down the aisle. Tears came to my eyes (as well as everyone elses) when we saw her walk your sister down the aisle. I know full well that her heart will be beaming if it's her again...she has so much love for you! And on a plus note, one day Father's Day will mean something more, something better. Imagine it: a little one wrapped around Aaron's fingers. You'll smile about it once again. You'll celebrate it once again. And for all of the right reasons! OK, enough rambling. Love you!