Sunday, December 6, 2009

Daddy Issues

I don't know how many of you watch Tough Love on VH1, but I watch it all the time. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's a show that brings girls who have problem finding/keeping guys, and a pro match maker tries to work out their issues. Trust me, it's interesting.

Anyways, tonight they talked about 'daddy issues'.
I guess I never realized HOW many girls actually deal with this.
Steve [the match maker] made the girls write letters to their dads in order to help them move past issues they have in relationships.

I got really emotional watching it, so I decided to write a letter to my dad.

Dear Dad,
Here's what I don't can you be there for your boys, yet leave your girls in the dust. We are yours, too. I never really understood why you loved them so much more than us. Why you would visit them, and call them, and it pretty much took an act of congress for you to see or talk to my sister and me. Yes, mom died. Yes, Nanny got custody of us. That doesn't mean that you can completely forget about us. How can you go to my brother's house RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO US, and not bother to walk over and say hello. I don't understand why you get so mad when we don't include you in the most important part of our lives, when you never wanted us in yours. I can't wrap my head around the fact that you got so upset, yelling at Nanny, because you can't remember the last time you saw me, when you taught me how to do that. You taught me how UNIMPORTANT it was for us to see each other ALL those years that you NEVER came to see me and my sister. One thing I'm truly grateful for...that you showed me someone I never wanted to turn into. I NEVER want to be like you. The reason I continued my education, the reason I fight for what I love, the reason I'll never let any substance control my because I NEVER want to be like my dad. I hate the fact that the reason I felt like I always had to have a boyfriend, was so I would have someone to 'take care' of me...someone to keep me never let me down...because I never had a man do this for me. This is my daddy issue. For so long, I wanted to believe in you. I wanted to stand up for you, and I honestly thought that one day you'd come around. I'm sad to say that now, I don't think you ever will, and if you do, it will be too late. Why couldn't you just man the 'f' up and take care of your kids? Why couldn't you just put down the bottle for 2.5 seconds and treat us like human beings? Don't you know that it's one of the crappiest feelings in the world to be a 6 year old girl on a friday night waiting and wondering why your dad hasn't come to pick you up for the weekend? How can you sleep at night? Knowing that for 20 some odd years you have completely let down your daughters. Well this is it. I know you will probably never see this, and I honestly do not care. I just hope that one day, the hate that I have in my heart for you will disappear.
Your Daughter,


Jeanette said...

Regardless of whether or not your dad will see this it was a very brave thing to do and will only end up helping you. Just getting things out there is the first step towards moving on.

Mr O said...

this must have taken a lot for you to get this off your chest and I honestly hope in some small way, it helped.